He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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