I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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