No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
