Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
