Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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