can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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