Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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