this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
