Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What happened to fro yo and sex?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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