She just used a chaser for red wine.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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