I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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