Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just sucked dick on a ferry
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
