The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
