Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I forget how to act sober
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
