Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
