Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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