I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
