just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
