Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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