We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
