Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
