i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
