chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
