I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
is it fun? or sober?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
