Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
