to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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