We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
