just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
this hospital has no fireball
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
did i just pee glitter
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i believe in u and ur pee
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
