just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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