One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My penis needs a shock collar
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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