Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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