this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
