Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
