im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
