Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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