I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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