Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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