I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
