Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
