How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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