Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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