just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
