Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
