the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
