well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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