turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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