matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
