are you still at the devil's house?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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