Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
