btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
